How Do I Deal With My Son/Daughter’s Self Harming Behaviour?

It is frustrating for parents to find out that their child is self harming. It is really hard to understand

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why people cut themselves, especially if they are very dear to us.

Here are 10 Top Tips for Self Harm Help to guide parents

1. Avoid taking things personally. Even if their actions  appear to be manipulative, it generally is not a case of manipulation 
2.  Educate yourself. Backing yourself with the proper self harm awareness knowledge will help you learn how to support your child in the right way. 
3. Take care of yourself. While it is really distressing to realize that your child is self harming, find time to recognize that you also need to adjust. Find time and make sure you also take care of your needs as well as your child’s. You are the important person in this equation, because you need to ensure that you are there tomorrow for both of you. 
4. Be supportive without being imposing. Negative emotions can be triggered sometimes when parents impose what they want on their children, intentionally or otherwise. A better alternative is to let them know that you care for them and you will always be around when they need someone to talk to. Be the first to open up but not be too demanding of them to disclose anything to you. And if your child finds it comfortable to be more open with others, that is ok. Sometimes we need go into protective mode from our loved ones because we don’t want to hurt them. Your child is the same with you. The main thing is that they are talking to SOMEONE. 
5. Be there. Although it is heartbreaking, you have to let your son/daughter know that you are willing to help and will always love him or her no matter what. Reassurance is the key here, and then some. 
6. Encourage them in positive ways. Assurance is something that any child yearns. Express to them that you care even if you don’t always understand where they are coming from, but you will be empathetic and sympathetic to their needs. It is also to acknowledge to yourself that it is difficult for you and you also need someone to talk to about your concerns and feelings. This is am important factor in being able to support your son/daughter. 
7. Observe. Notice the times that your child is upset or moody. Self harm is sometimes hidden because self harming pupils and youngsters shy away from people due to their self harm and or low self esteem. 
8. Avoid impulsive overdoses. You can keep medicines locked up and other sharp edged tools hidden in discretion to prevent your child from overdoing the damage. 
9. Seek professional help. If you realize that things are already getting out of hand, seek out self harm help to assist your son/daughter in managing their situation. 
10. Analysis of the situation. Sometimes it can be easier than others to identify what sparked off your son/daughter’s self harming behaviour. Is there something obvious that happened today, last night or recently that you can think of that may have caused him or her to engage in this current self harming incident? A compromise on both sides may be an option and a way forward if it will ease the situation.

 We know it is not easy, however, even if you make a start on just one of the above pointers that will help you in moving in the right direction.

Proper treatment at the right time is important for fast recovery and coping. It should not be mistaken to be merely seeking attention because self harm reasons range from many aspects and backgrounds as well as experiences. And disclosure by people who self harm can be varied as one can share it with a friend and not with a family member or vice versa. You may know someone who self harms, maybe even closer at home, and hence the resource materials for teachers have been created to give training for self harm help.

How Self Harm Training Can Help

The thirst for knowledge is natural given that there is a shortage of proper self harm help or training provision. Self injury is already a complicated issue alone, as there is the emotional pull on the young person self harming as well as those supporting them, for instance, teachers, parents and friends. Training is vital because it can encourage people to explore their self harm awareness and enhance that inner understanding of the issues faced by those with self harming behaviour. Training will further delve into the facts of why people cut themselves and the impact supporters can have on the health, well-being, and recovery of the person self harming. Through proper preparation, skills can be developed to battle self injury and influence faster recuperation. Perhaps the most significant part of professional training against self harm is gaining know-how, comprehension of the symptoms of such behaviours; confidence to be able to differentiate a real suicidal attempt from self harm; and be aware of instances where immediate action is needed.

Training courses have been established to help supporters to empathize with those individuals who deliberately injure themselves and for them to be in a better position to provide more relevant or appropriate self harm help.

In a world full of judgmental attitudes, it is always touching and encouraging to know that there are those – even though not related to us by blood – who really care and will always lend us a hand whenever and wherever we need them to.

The Self Injury Awareness Day is an annual worldwide self harm awareness campaign which happens on 1 March. It is similar to other Awareness Days which includes people generally being more tolerant of someone else’s plight.   Raising more awareness about Self Injury may help people pluck up the courage to tell someone that they are inneed of self harm help. Additionally, it is an opportunity for organizations to create more efforts and opportunities in raising self harm awareness to improve the number of individuals aware of self injury. In the hope of increasing self harm awareness, people are asked to wear orange ribbons, wristbands, and beaded bracelets. The goal of this Self Injury Awareness Day is to stop the stereotyping revolving around self harm and provide resource materials for teachers and medical professionals alike.

What happens during Self Injury Awareness Day?

Just like other Awareness Days, support groups tend to organize awareness Events or opportunities to spread more information regarding particular actions that people could take as most people are not aware of what self injury is about or have no real understanding of why people cut themselves. A lot of us try to cope with our own problems in different ways. Some people drink too much, eat too much, or smoke too much, assault others through means of domestic violence or just pick fights as a means of coping with their problems and anxieties. Whilst others self injury as their way of coping.

What Can Schools/Colleges do To Raise Awareness?

Self Injury Awareness Day (SIAD) is the day that many support groups and concerned citizens from all walks of life attempt to improve, raise, and increase self harm awareness. Raising self injury awareness could include promoting SIAD by:

• Emailing your friends/family and contacts to tell them about it
• Show support for SIAD and young people who self harm by wearing orange, which is the colour for self injury awareness.
• You could wear orange ribbons, clothes, wristbands
• Hold  creative  self injury awareness drawing competitions at school
• Self injury awareness poetry competition at school
• Have an awareness event at school, to include the whole school and perhaps invite visitors in
• Invite parents in for an awareness session
• Let local media (TV/radio) know  of your event and thus helping to spread the word about SIAD

It is on this day that debunking of stereotyping and self injury myths happen.

In particular if the awareness and event takes place at school or college, it may give students the confidence to seek the support from your support services that they may not otherwise do as we know there are students at school or college who are self harming without anyone knowing, given that self harm is a private act.

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The main thing to remember is that people who self harm are hurting and in emotional pain and more than likely physical pain too depending on the nature of their injury. It is likely that they want to stop wearing the long sleeves in summer or baggies used to cover up their injuries. They want the help but don’t know how to ask for it and fear being ridiculed. A small step forwards on your part could make all the difference in a youngsters life and could help them to deal with their challenges without having to fear being judged and insulted.

Self Injury Awareness Day is an opportunity to help individuals who deliberately harm themselves to really express their hidden emotions and seek the help and real attention that they have been deprived of but have always needed.

Self harm comes under a lot of names – self mutilation, cutting, self injury, deliberate self harm – but all refer to one thing, hurting oneself to ease the burden of deep distressing emotional symptoms. Furthermore, it can also come in many various forms such as cutting (being the most widespread form), burning, hitting, picking skins, scratching, and pulling the hairs out.

Self injury is detrimental to young people’s well being.  Consequently,  support  for self harm help has been created and developed and resource materials for teachers are also given to increase self harm awareness  and self harm help as well as to find ways to stop self harming pupils, where possible.

Self injury or self harm is generally not suicidal but a coping mechanism and a way of regulating deep emotional pain.

7  Top Self Harm Help Strategies

Here are the Top 7 ways to stop self harming or minimize it:

•  Cognitive behavioral therapy or CBT

Self harming is only a symptom of deep emotional distress. CBT can be used to help individuals recognize and learn to address their  feelings in rather healthier ways.

• Psychotherapy

It can be used either together with medications treating mental illnesses or simply alone. Otherwise known as “therapy”, psychotherapy actually entails various treatment techniques during which a person talks to professionals for mental health and care who will help the individual identify the problems and work through different ways to give self harm support.

• Post traumatic stress therapy

The objective of this treatment is to decrease physical and emotional symptoms which lead to self harm.

• Group therapy

Self harm training courses offers self harm awareness for anyone. Group therapy, on the other hand, is especially aimed at those who self harm, thereby talking within a group with people who  experience the same problems which can be very helpful in reducing shame associated with self injury, as well as introduce healthy ways of expressing emotions.

• Family therapy

Family Therapy addresses family history, prevailing conditions and  other related behaviour which can help both the young person who self harms and the family members to learn better communication methods and be more open and directly expressive to one another.

• Hypnosis and relaxation techniques

There are a range of relaxation techniques and approaches which will help young people and others who self harm to release some fo the stress, tension and pressure that they are experiencing, which in turn is likely to helpt o reduce self harming.

• Medications

Self harm can be a remedy for coping with depression, medications such as antidepressants and anti-anxiety can be used to minimize the early impulsive responses to stress. Best advice is always to speak to your physician and seek their advice and/or referral to any of the above options.

When you know someone who engages in self harm, you may find yourself helpless at the face of their wounds, scars, and bruises. Your own emotions and fears of the situation may override the emotional pain and suffering experienced by teenagers, which might lead you to blame self harming teenagers and self harming pupils instead of giving them support. Keep in mind that they may only be using this as a means of communicating their dilemma and confusion about their feelings and other matters and get the attention, comfort, and care that they have always wanted and needed. However distressing it can be for you, this is not necessarily their intention.

Whether people have got slight bruises, deep cuts, or others, the problem represented must be taken with seriousness, even if we don’t understand why people cut themselves. The depth of the wound, if it is cutting, does not in anyway give an indication of the depths of their despair and anguish. While some behaviours are considered attention-seeking, self harming in teenagers, self harming pupils and other people is not attention seeking. What is vital for you to know in order to be able to get the proper support for your loved ones is that self injury is essentially attempting to alleviate oneself of intolerable tension, deep distressing emotional pain and suffering.

Self Harm Awareness

Self injury should not be considered to be a wish to commit suicide unless the person specifically expresses such thoughts. The reasons why self harm is not merely an act of seeking attention is as follows:

-  It creates numbness through physical sensations and feelings become very intense

-  It is about stopping the turmoil plus confusion resulting from uncontrolled emotions

-  It is about punishing oneself because of contempt and self hatred

-  It communicates one’s needs for help

Self harming in teenagers and people is a coping mechanism. During challenging stressful and distressing times of emotional pain of being betrayed, neglected, abused, and abandoned, self injury and other physical pain relieves this tension, for a period of time. Teachers are another category of professionals that  Self harm awareness and self harm training is essential for to provide crucial resource materials for teachers to be able to offer relevant and appropriate self harm help for self harming pupils.

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Self injury has gradually become a common behaviour amongst teenagers and youths which normally occurs during secondary school as well as college institutions. With this fact, schools require more self harm awareness to detect, intervene, and prevent self harm, as much as possible, in teenagers from occurring and recurring.

How to begin?

The responsibility for self injury support and self harm counselling must begin within the school team. If the school does not have a core team, the primary action will be to assemble a team of professionals to address the issues related to the detection and management of self harming teenagers. It is also important to organize training for teachers in terms of  “help for self harm”  

What they do?

The team will be responsible for the following:

-    Responding to any self injury discoveries and confessions. They will serve as resource for teachers who might suspect, but not sure of, someone who is   self harming.

-     Communicating with the individual and referring the student to a Nurse, Counsellor or Child Protection Officer for care and

evaluation of the nature of the self harm or wounds.

-     Making sure that the student is not suicidal after identifying the symptoms indicated.

-      Act as liaison between the parents or guardians, the student,  the peers (if and where relevant) and referral people associated with the individual after such disclosures.

-      Establish supportive roles and relationships with teenagers who self harm. If not, find someone capable of this role.

For the team or teacher to function effectively and efficiently, it is important to undertake training programmes for teachers or refer suspected yet unconfirmed cases to the key person responsible for taking the lead role in such matters.

Focus of the training of teachers

The very crucial part of this training for teachers is gaining knowledge and understanding of how to determine the symptoms and signs of self harm behaviours. Moreover, it is very important that resource materials for teachers are given during the training for professionals for them to be able to recognize what is the difference between suicidal attempts and self harm in teenagers; as well as being aware of conditions which needs immediate attention like having severe wounds requiring stitches or medical care. This is very important in giving self harm help for people.

Part of this awareness raising might include self harm awareness about things that are not classified as self injurious such as tattoos, piercings, and other bodily modifications. Individuals who have extreme and numerous body modifications may also be potentially self harming.

Self harm, self injury, or self mutilation is generally believed to be just the act of burning and cutting oneself. It has been becoming a greatly misunderstood addiction to which majority often believe the doer is simply attempting suicide because of the serious cuts inflicted on oneself. But there is more to self injury information that you need to know.

Self Harm Awareness

Self harming in teenagers include burning themselves with cigarettes or other hot tools, cutting with blades and knives, and other general acts of inflicting harm to the body such as hitting yourself against the wall repeatedly.

When they exhibit self harm behaviour, they could be absorbed in an obsessive-compulsive behaviour resulting in the infliction of physical damage in a mission to evade emotional feelings which they are unable to confront and cope up with. It is simply not just a case of seeking attention but more than that. Teenagers who self harm can end up needing severe medical treatment and hospitalization.

These results can leave not only physical body scars but also emotional ones. That being said, these are to which the sufferer can be proud of themselves but at the same time be ashamed of it; therefore hiding it from others. As self harm is generally a private act, this can be difficult for teachers to manage mental health in schools’

Who Self Harms?

As opposed to what many believe, self harm in teenagers is not the only scope in this subject. A lot of people suffer from this. It does not single out age, creed, gender, and race  although it was reported that younger women suffer the most from these behaviour. This disorder can also be accompanied by some other addictive tendencies like drug addiction and eating disorders; and is not only limited to teenagers alone.

Any who self harms may progressively become addicted to the act of self harming which can be treated by going through several self injury treatments. The act of injuring oneself is not the main issue, as it is just a symptom but the underlying emotional reasons and pain for the person self harming in the first place. If someone is attached to this, chances are they are highly secretive of this due to the fear of being confronted and even stopped of their actions.

For a lot of people who self harm, especially teenagers, they report that this is as similar to drug and alcohol addiction which they deemed as “ritualistic”. That is, someone who makes use of blades to cut oneself will follow a strict routine including having a safe place and date to conduct their so-called “ritual” in peace and without disturbance. All the items used, the method, as well as the routine will have a similar pattern always. Normal locations where they inflict pain are on the arms, legs, stomach, thighs, and even their faces.

In an increasingly globalised competitive world, people, including young people, are having to deal with various kinds of pressures and situations, much different from previous generations. This is coupled with emotional vulnerability, bullying amongst peers, de-motivation and insecurities, and which for some, becomes too difficult to deal with. For some people, self harm becomes a conscious or unconscious act that helps them to deal with these added pressures.

Though self harm trends are more noticeable among young people, it is by no means restricted to the younger generation. Due to a combination of work pressure, family, societal and lifestyle issues, adults also experience self harming behaviour that requires self harm help. A depressed state of mind  can encourage self harm as sometimes the mind sees harming the self as a means of dealing with the underlying issues. Under these circumstances, the right kind of nutrition   intake can go a long way in shaping the behavioural patterns of people with self harming tendencies.

Nutrients

Food contains various nutrients and vitamins. Each type of nutrient stimulates different organs of the body. Studies have shown that carbohydrates stimulate serotonin production. Serotonin which is also known as hydroxytryptamine is primarily found in the gastrointestinal tract, platelets and in the central nervous system. It is a major contributor of feelings of well-being: therefore it is also known as a “happiness hormone” though it is not actually a hormone.

According to Randy Sanstone, John Livett and Lori Sanstone in their article “Eating Disorders and Self-Harm: A chaotic intersection” about 25% of Eating Disorder patients are prone to non-fatal self harm. A further quarter of people with self harm tendencies and who suffer from Eating Disorders also have border line personality disorder.  Eating disorders can create other emotional challenges including a ‘chaotic inner-self’, problems in expressing oneself, stress and anger issues.

People with eating disorder challenges, deal with the issues in different ways. Some people purge themselves, otherwise known as bulimia, which has a cycle of under-eating and over-eating leading to a sense of low self esteem and needing to purge. Some people have binge eating tendencies which can also include increasing their carbohydrate intake. This can be symbolized as a stifling of their emotions; whilst others eat very little at all (starvation) known as anorexia.

Beyond Self Harm & Eating Disorder

Therapy can help people with eating disorder related self harm. Therapy in groups or individually can assist people to understand their eating habits and the functions that food plays in their lives.  Research shows that people exhibiting self harm benefit greatly from talking therapies which also focus on the underlying issues behind the self harm and/or eating disorder, and the functions that they play in the person’s life. Medical intervention is also used to reduce self harming behaviour.

 Given that self harm and eating disorder is more prevalent in schools than ever before, teachers and teaching support staff would benefit from self harm awareness training to enable them to get a better understanding of the underlying issues in order to be able to offer self harm help to self harming pupils.

Self harm behaviour and eating habits and disorders are intricately related. Research shows that focusing on the underlying issues behind these habits, however, can and does reduce or eradicate the need to self harm.

As always with everything that people want to change, the person must want to change or improve in order for any treatment to work, otherwise time, effort and treatment become counterproductive.

Then starts the challenge of knowing which is the best approach to adopt in supporting your child, in supporting yourself  and the rest of the family, and of course, dealing with the self harming activity itself. This is also coupled with the challenge of knowing where to turn for help and which professional to approach!

In addition to the above, there are the added challenges of dealing with a gamut of raw emotions such as fear, guilt, sadness, anxiety, hurt, together with self blame, blaming other family members and/or the person who is self harming, in an attempt to somehow find a way through this situation and wondering why people self harm.

In these circumstances, parents can often feel quite alone, isolated and

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frustrated. With the stigma attached to self harm and some medical professional’s unhelpful approach to self harm, it is not always an easy situation and condition to deal with or get appropriate support for. The search for real help is made that much harder with websites promoting how to self harm. That said, parents self blame, however, does not help them or the situation, but rather keeps them stuck. There are a myriad of reasons why the self harming activity occurred in the first place.

For instance, it can be triggered by simple causes like exam pressure to other complex family related matters. An open flow of information and communication is definitely the key in getting to the root cause of the self harming behaviour and gaining more self harm awareness.

Self harming activities are wide ranging and not just the stereotypical cutting. Hair pulling, alcohol abuse, gang culture, self neglect and head banging are just some other examples of self harm. It is also an activity that transcends all cultures, societies, religion and ages, starting from as young as three or four years old to senior citizens in their eighties. Indeed, some parents are themselves people who self harm and may have concerns about the knock on effect that this will have on their children.

There isn’t a typical person who self harms or a typical family that people who self harm come from.

Given that self harm is generally a cry for help, the situation isn’t just going to go away by itself! Parents require an avenue and means of getting the help and self harm support and open communication to deal with it.

One source of information is seeking advice via your local GP/doctor and another is via local counselling or therapeutic interventions.

The main thing is to acknowledge that there is a situation that needs to be dealt with if the whole family is to move forward.

Many of you will have heard by now of the UK Coalition government’s ‘Back To Work’ and ‘Benefit Reform’ proposals to get people off the benefit system and back into the workplace (or into work for the first time!). Whilst most of us agree that change is necessary, the way in which the government is speeding ahead will undoubtedly affect some of your service users or someone who you might know.

This is quite an emotive topic for many people for different reasons.

The Proposals include:

• Capping housing benefit from April 2011, which will also be reduced by 10% for anyone who has been on jobseekers allowance for more than a year
• Withdrawing benefits for Jobseeker claimants for three months for refusing their first job offer. After a second refusal of work, they will lose their benefit for six months; and for three years on their third refusal.
• Reduction and elimination of child tax credits

Advantages of this proposal:

→ The government suggests it will reduce the amount of money to be clawed back from benefit recipients who attempt to go back to work, thus alleviating the ‘benefit trap’.

→ Government wants more people in work

→ Government’s proposals set the tone for more people who are able to work to gain employment and be back in the workplace.

→ Makes people consider what is important to them

Disadvantage of these proposals:

→ Reduced minimum wage which means many more people will be working for less

→ Employers would be at liberty to reduce wages as they know that people must accept the job offer or face the consequences of losing their benefit

→ Automatic system doesn’t discriminate between people’s individual circumstances, e.g. parents with young children, parents of children who are sickly or require extra specialist care, variations in their sickness or disability. If their benefit is stopped automatically and people can provide a ‘good reason’ for it to be reinstated, they will already be without benefits for weeks before it is re-instated (or indeed before they find out that it has been stopped!)

→ Increased distress of some of the most vulnerable people in society including single parents, people experiencing domestic violence or self harm and people with disabilities. The Archbishop of Canterbury has said that such a ‘policy could drive vulnerable people into despair’

→ The Coalition government has abandoned the previous government’s guarantee of work AND offer of training to those wishing to go back to work, or work for the first time

→ Coalition government is getting rid of the child tax credit some parents used to get towards assistance with nursery fees. Those who have had their children in private nursery will know that nursery fees can be as much as paying a month’s mortgage!

→ If these proposals go ahead, there is likely to be greater mismatch of new employees taking on new job roles, creating employee relations situations in the workplace at a time when it is least needed

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→ The government’s speed of changes will more than likely create added burden on family units and family systems that may already be fragile, vulnerable or may already be affected by the governments own job cuts and other budget reduction strategies including employees accepting reduced salaries just to keep hold of their existing jobs

→ Simultaneously removing people’s safety nets

→ With the backdrop of more cutbacks, current redundancies, rise in unemployment, closure of important frontline services, the government is surely setting people up to fail!? Where will all these unemployed people find jobs? Douglas Alexander, the shadow Work and Pensions Secretary, said: “If the Government gets this right we will support them because of course we accept the underlying principle of simplifying the benefits system and providing real incentives to work. But the Government will not get more people off benefits and into work without there being work available.”

→ It is estimated that ‘750,000 households could fall into debt, hardship or lose their homes under the imminent housing benefit cap, and people with several children will be worse off. High rents in cities could result in “social cleansing” as families are forced to move to areas with cheaper rents. This doesn’t take into consideration that people will have existing rental contracts to adhere to.

I know some of you reading this Ezine will already have experienced some of the effects of the government’s proposals and spending review strategies in one way or another, from a personal or professional perspective. I have already experienced them from a personal perspective of my hospital referral being blocked by one of the senior doctors at my GP surgery. I was invited to see him to justify and persuade him to continue with the referral. Why should I be put in a position of having to persuade my GP to help me improve my health?

And, given the client group I work with, I am manoeuvring my business well away from the governments clutches!

How parents or people who self harm can help themselves in light of current and impending government changes:

•   Seek advice from relevant agencies e.g. Citizens Advice Centre (C.A.B.), Consumer Credit Counselling Services (CCCS), Jobcentre Plus

•   If they are not already doing so, embark on a journey of personal and/or professional development

•  Counselling if relevant or necessary, even if only to have clarity and peace of mind in moving forwards with making relevant changes

•  Revisit their skills base and have an open mind as to how else they could be utilized

•  Perhaps embark on re-training

•  If current financial resources allow, embark on a coaching or mentoring programme

• Perhaps consider the possibility of enterprise and setting up their own business or social enterprise

•  Possibility of ‘bartering agreements’ between friends or family members with childcare in light of childcare costs and the government getting rid of child tax assistance with nursery fees, or any other ‘bartering agreements’ as may be relevant.

 I know some of the parents that I work with are still very fearful of computers and especially the internet, however, now is perhaps an opportune time for them to undertake some training to stand them in good stead for the impending changes.

I will be highlighting some income opportunities in the near future that parents or people who self harm can create or take advantage of via the internet or using their computer. Watch this space!

I wish the best for any who might be affected by these proposals in finding the solutions that work best for them.

This article © Jennifer McLeod 2011. All rights reserved