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Children With School Refusal Behaviour

Thursday, April 11th, 2013

School refusal stems from emotional distress and anxiety which could be related to a range of issues either at home, school or both. A recent study reveals that 1 in 5 British children experience phobia or school refusal which has shown to be more prevalent in children’s age groups aged 5 – 6 and 10 – 11 years.

The research also revealed that many parents were not aware of the conditions and those who were aware of it, experienced a major lack of information.

School refusal does and can bring about a range of physical challenges and symptoms for the child or young person and these include:

– stomach aches

– vomiting

– headaches

– trembling

– joint pains

From a behavioural perspective, the symptoms show up as: tantrums, threats of self harm, crying or angry outbursts. These symptoms are likely to subside once the child feels safe and secure, generally in the home environment and/or once they’ve been allowed to stay at home.

School refusal may be triggered by a number of reasons, children of any age may be refusing to go to school for fear of losing their last remaining parent (or main care giver). Their parents may have separated or they might be a bereaved child and the fear of even more loss, keeps them at home and in a ‘protective role’ and with separation anxiety.

As well as anxiety, other stress related situations at home, school or with peers may also be a trigger for school refusal.

From an emotional perspective, symptoms of school refusal include panic attacks, fearfulness, depression and occurs with both genders.

One of my sons had a change of primary schools and the new primary school that he moved to was a trigger for his school refusal right from the first day of school.

He was evidently emotionally distressed by going to that school, was crying and wouldn’t get dressed in the mornings. He said that the school was too big, which I didn’t understand but his deep reaction and distress to attending that school was more than enough for me to take heed. Within a week he had moved yet again to another primary school and was evidently happier, brighter with smiles all round, which brought about the swift end to his short-lived school refusal.

School refusal and a range of other behaviours from children and young people is merely a form of communication that something is not right. This calls for school staff and parents to look more closely at what is not being said. What is their behaviour telling you?

There is always a reason for children’s behaviour and it is invaluable piece of communication for adults.

How Can You Help Children With School Refusal Behaviour?

Doctors, Parents, Educators, and other professionals can all assist in supporting a child or young person back to school, individually or as a team.

Some ways of helping include:

 

  1. Identify whether the behaviour relates to school refusal for reasons such as those above or whether it relates to truancy. The distinction between the two generally lies on the child’s focus and/or interest in their school work once their anxiety or fear of school attendance and other related symptoms have subsided. That is, how do they behave once they feel safe and secure at home? Do they focus on their school work or is there a total dis-interest and general negative attitude towards school? Another distinction is the extent of their emotional distress relating to attending school versus being indifferent about school attendance.
  2. Explore best possible options of moving the child towards re-entering the school environment as quickly as possible, yet in a supportive manner. This could include making changes, where possible, to conditions at home which might be triggering the school refusal and engendering collaborative approach between parents, doctor, school and mental health professional/therapist. As some of the presenting symptoms are physical, it is important to involve physicians who may also be able to make referrals to relevant therapists.
  3. Research has shown cognitive behaviour therapy to be particularly beneficial and successful in helping pupils to manage their mindsets, depression and returning to school.
  4. Parental involvement to improve school attendance has also shown to be helpful.
  5. Undertake proper preparation at school for the pupil to be re-integrated and positively supported back into the normal school environment
  6. Foster on-going parent-school communication, collaboration and joint support of the child.
  7. Planned, gradual, assisted exposure to the school environment
  8. Relaxation remedies including visualisation.
  9. Positive reinforcements relating to school environment and attendance.

 

Do you have pupils who refuse to attend school?

Which of the above strategies would work for them?

Which strategies have you yet to try or test out?

Send us your examples of school refusal and how you dealt with it to: info@stepup-international.co.uk
Find out how our courses can assist you in getting a better understanding of children and young people’s behaviour here: https://stepup-international.co.uk/self-harm-training-2/

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Did You Know It Was An Inside Job?

Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

People come into your life for a reason and being in a relationship provides us with undoubtedly the hardest challenges we face as adults as we are seldom taught to truly love ourselves as children, yet we are expected to know how to love other people as adults in very deep, meaningful, life changing situations such as that posed by marriages and other long term relationships. Relationships teach us, help us to learn life’s lessons and certainly help us to grow as more tolerant human beings if we choose to take up that opportunity. In order to truly love someone else, we must first learn and re-learn to love ourselves. It is impossible to love anyone else more than we love ourselves. The extent of the love we give out is a direct reflection of the love we have for ourselves.

“Be the change you want to see” -Mahatma Ghandi

MY ‘OTHER HALF’

We get fooled into thinking that the other person only needs to be ‘half ok’ and that we will make up the other half of the relationship, hence the all too common phrase ‘’my other half’’. A healthy relationship needs both parties to be whole, complete individuals in and of themselves, bringing their own happiness, uniqueness, love and abilities into the relationship.

My Partner Is Not Meeting My Needs

A lot of times if we are feeling unfulfilled in our relationship, we tend to aim the
focus of our discontent at our partners without taking sufficient time to focus on
what we might be doing to exacerbate the situation. I know it is easily done and
I have fallen prey to this situation myself in my previous marriage. One of the
things I was guilty of was focusing on what my ex-husband was or was not doing
within the relationship. When I had LEARNT to shift the focus from him to myself,
it was only then that I was able to focus on what I was doing and or not doing
in the relationship. I had to LEARN to take control of my own happiness and
decided that it would not depend on whether my ex-husband or anyone else was
making me happy.

WHAT ARE YOUR NEEDS?

Sometimes we think we know what our needs are, however, when it comes to naming them, we get stuck. If you were to ask your partner today to meet your needs better, what would you say? Do you know what your REAL needs are? Which needs are not being met?
When was the last time you did something spontaneous or special for your partner without expecting something in return? How are you meeting your partner’s needs? Do you know what your partner’s needs are? If you don’t know, then ASK them. Find out what they need in order to feel loved and connected. Sometimes just BEING THERE, being PRESENT is enough. If your partner is not meeting your needs, chances are you may not be meeting theirs either.

INSIDE JOB

You’ve got to give to others first before you can get what you want. If you want a better relationship, go to work on YOU. The problem is not necessarily out there and is usually an ‘inside job’. That is, rather than looking externally and pointing the finger at your partner, look within first. Rather than trying to ‘fix’ them, ‘fix’ you instead. Identify what you want in an ideal relationship and Start to act the way you would like your ideal relationship to be.
Identify where the ‘problem’ really lies: is it you, your partner or the relationship itself. Be honest with yourself and your partner. When you have identified the ‘problem’ then go to work on finding solutions and changing it.

“Be the change you want to see” -Mahatma Ghandi

True, Authentic Self

So, if you want your relationship to be better and grow, GO TO WORK ON YOU TODAY. As you love you more and more, and find your true, authentic self, you will be in a better position to give and share more of your love with your partner.

Loving Inspirations From Children

If you are still feeling unsure about what love is, here’s some inspirations from some children. Enjoy!

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, “What does love mean?”

The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

“When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca- age 8

”When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4

“Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5

“If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,” Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

”Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.” Noelle – age 7

“Love is when Mummy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.” Mark – age 6

”I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 4

“When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” (What an imagination) Karen – age 7

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Do You Love Me?

Thursday, February 14th, 2013

This is the underlying and constant question that children and young people have running through their minds whether on a conscious or unconscious basis. We all have a need to be loved and children and young people are no exception to the rule.

Most often than not, however, children and young people may not be aware of this driving need and may act in ways which test their parents’ love for them. Again, they are generally unaware of why they are doing what they are doing because it is an unconscious act governed by the need to be and to feel loved. Though these actions may test some parents’ patience or drive some parents to despair, the trick for the parents is to look behind the behaviour at what children or young people might be trying to tell you. For instance, examples of behaviour might range from minor incidences like some children bedwetting again, creating ‘weird and wonderful’ fantasies that might seem real to them, hyperactivity, to more serious situations like stealing, mixing with the wrong crowd that leads them astray, substance misuse, self harm or even worse, suicide (sadly and steadily on the increase amongst young people and is the second or third highest cause of death for young people). The behaviour is a form of communication to you that tells you that something is going on and again, children especially, and young people may not be able to put into words how they are feeling. They just need that affirmative ‘yes’ in words and actions from their parents.

Where young people are concerned, they have so many challenges going on at this crucial stage of development in their lives, that it is so easy for them to get distracted and perhaps do things that they wouldn’t normally do in an attempt to ‘find themselves’ or ‘find me’. It is also a time for them naturally to want to explore and strive for their independence from their parents. Whilst this is a natural part of their growth, this stage still needs to be managed, whereby parents give young people more freedom a little at a time depending on their ability to manage this new found freedom and the responsibilities that it entails. Give them too much freedom at first and it will be difficult to claw it back later on if and when things go wrong. Children and young people of all ages need boundaries, irrespective of their behaviour and them telling you that they are not ‘a kid’ anymore. An Ofsted report 2007 UK reveals that young people believe that teachers treat them like young adults too soon. So whilst they want the extra freedom, they don’t want or are unable to cope with too much of it and therefore the increased responsibilities that it brings.

Another important point about a young person’s need to know that he or she is loved is the natural need for them to see their parents demonstrate that they love them. It might appear that they don’t want to be hugged anymore as they get older, but this is generally a façade that they put on at this stage of their development. Providing you are not ignoring their wishes by hugging them and embarrassing them in front of their friends, (my eldest is 17 years old and he openly initiates and gives me a hug in front of his friends), then always show your children affection. This can be as simple as tapping/touching them on their shoulders, arms, head or back as you walk past them.

Brian Tracy, a leading sales and personal development guru, sited an experiment called the Infant Death Syndrome where an experiment with newly born babies showed that half the babies in the experiment were not shown any form of affection and were just fed and changed when necessary. The other half of the babies in the experiment were also changed and fed, given extra attention, affection, hugged and played with. The difference in the development of the growth in the two sets of babies was so stark that the experiment had to be stopped, though too late, as the set of babies which didn’t receive the nurturing and affection, literally shriveled up and some of them actually died. A very potent example to illustrate the point above, as it is so easy to underestimate young people’s need for affection because of the contradictory behaviour that they portray.

So what do you do?

Give constant reassurance, praise, love, focused attention and affection and most importantly, LISTEN and give Lots of hugs.
This by no means, is not just about Positive Parenting or just being positive parents as this approach goes
over and above that.

 

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